Two

When the clock finally did strike midnight, I was transformed back into the friendless fat chick of yesteryear, my circle of newfound friends became mice scattering at my feet, and Prince Charming slipped off into the sunset without ever looking back.

By then I had already quit the dungeon of darkness that was high school and gone for my equivalency diploma. Seventeen, armed with a tenth grade education, and not a thing to look forward to - I just knew I’d go far. I couldn’t think of one more attribute that could make my life any more picture perfect than it already was or outlook on my future any brighter. But, as luck would have it, fate had saved the best for last. Now, not only was I a lonely fat chick going no where in life - I was a pregnant lonely fat chick going no where in life. I had finally become just what my mama said dating that boy was going to make me - white trash. Pregnant, lonely, fat, and going no where white trash. At least I didn’t let her down that time. I wondered if lonely, fat, pregnant white trash had coming out parties? Probably not. I pretty much thought that was my final failure. Maybe the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Little did I know I had way heavier straws coming my way and that I’d be getting a fresh camel. Well, maybe not a camel. More like a jackass except he waited a long time to bray and by the time he did and I realized what he was, I was too far away to turn back.

Before the junction in the road where I encountered the jackass, I spent two years wandering aimlessly along my path to wherever in the hell I was going. I was moving slowly because I had a daughter to keep me company while making U turns and backing up. I told myself we’d find a way off that aimless route, but deep down I knew what people were saying was true. She did deserve a daddy and a house. Her own room and a dog. A backyard and a bicycle. A place to lay down some roots and gather some moss. I was nineteen. What the hell could I give her? I still lived at home and had no prospects of anything.

Enter: the jackass

During those first aimless two years that I was a single parent, I didn’t have a social life. Not that those two years were any different than any previous two years in my life, but the point was I wasn’t dating in adulthood either. Somehow a fat, lonely, single teenaged mother - white trash mother - just wasn’t as appealing to the fellas as it sounds. I did have a male friend who I spent time with. We weren’t romantically involved since he was more like a brother to me. We’d ride around in my truck or go get a hamburger. My daughter was always with us so we did kid friendly things. It’s not like I had any choice. Even if I had found someone even remotely interested in dating me, my mama wouldn’t have babysat for me. She made it perfectly clear that I “had her” and that I was going to “tend to her”.

One day my male friend stopped by to visit. He had one of his friends with him. His friend wasn’t much to look at, but he did ask me out. Since he was the only one who had done that in the past two years, what the hell? I needed a diversion and he provided that. We ‘dated’, I guess you could call it. Spent time together, whatever. My daughter was always with us and he never seemed to mind. In fact, it seemed like he was beginning to take a special interest in her. (Not that kind - as a father figure)

As with any other fat, lonely, teenaged white trash single mother, nothing in moderation. So I latched on to the only guy who had shown me some kind of kindness in nearly three years. I saw him as an out. I saw him as all the things people said my daughter needed. I saw him as providing all the things I couldn’t at the time. It’s a goddamned shame that I didn’t see him for what he really was until all the things he pretended to be overshadowed that.