Nine

Sometimes I'm still not convinced I'm a victim of domestic violence. I mean, I know what I live isn't ideal, but is it abuse? When do someone's words become abuse? Is lack of words also abuse? Just because a couple isn't Ward and June Cleaver doesn't have to mean something is 'wrong' or 'bad' in their married life. Who decides that anyway? What is normal? Most of the time, I don't know what to think. I see couples and families interacting and I know I don't have that, but does that mean what they have is right and what I have is wrong? I just don't understand who sets the standard regarding what is acceptable and what is not.

I guess the biggest deciding factor would be how comfortable you are in your marriage - whether or not you're content with the way things are. What you're willing to accept might be a factor, but life is full of accepting things we don't want to accept and finding ways to move on. Does that apply to a marriage, too? How liable is each person for teaching the other what they need? Is that an intuition we're born with or do we cultivate that through life? If we're to cultivate that intuition by watching the behaviors other people, we should be sure that the behavior we are seeing is worth emulating.

They say a child learns what he lives. I've found there is a lot of truth in that. A child who is abused and neglected will learn that they are not worthy of being loved or accepted in life. He or she learns to become all the things people have told them they are. Useless. They learn this because it's repetitive destruction and a child learns by repetition. They learn to self depreciate because they've never been validated by anyone. They will struggle to unlearn all of this destruction for the rest of their lives.

Is that the same for kids who see others being abused? Do young boys who see their mothers being abused or treated poorly by their fathers learn that this behavior is acceptable and what you're supposed to do? Is that how the cycle continues generation to generation? I don't think I believe that. On the one hand it's plausible. Kids have formidable minds and emulate their parents' actions, but then you have to think that, having lived that sort of a childhood, they would want better for their own children. They should want to do everything possible so that their own kids don't grow up in the same kind of environment that they did. Will it take them a lifetime to unlearn all the destruction, too? What if they don't have anybody to show them how? How many times will the vicious cycle repeat itself?

In the end, it comes down to people will only change when they want to change. No amount of guidance, good examples, or kind words is going to have any sort of effect as long as the person chooses to be evil. Is being evil even a choice? I think some people are born evil. That's the only explanation I can some up with for some of the behaviors I've witnessed in my lifetime. I don't think it's a learned behavior. I think it's genetic. I believe there are people in this world who thrive on the misery of others. They gauge their progress in life by how much sorrow they can inflict on others.