After that, things happened in a whirlwind fashion and I can't say I remember many of the specifics. I remember that he went to jail, but not for breaking the window or almost decapitating his daughter - but for Public Intoxication. I remember he bonded out of jail in four hours. I remember that we were separated for a few months.I don't remember how I paid the bills, where he lived during the time, why I didn't get the hell out of Dodge while I had the chance, or what the circumstances were that brought us back together. All I do know, looking back now, is that was a mistake of epic proportions on my behalf. I guess I had a reason, though. Perhaps it was out of wanting to make sure my kids had a financially stable life and some resemblance to a family life. Just appearance-wise of course because we in no way resembled a family within the four walls of that sardine can of a two bedroom trailer.
We didn't in the years that followed, either. He never really was a part of normal family activities, holidays, or the mundane tasks of maintaining a home. He didn't see the importance of birthday parties or Christmas presents or The Easter Bunny or anything else related to childhood. Had it not been for me, my kids would have lived an even more grim existence than they already had. I was the one that made sure they had Christmas and holidays and birthday parties. I went to all the school functions and played Mom and Dad when the situation arose. I did all of the child rearing. The only time he had anything to offer was to come down on them for something. If it wasn't negative, you can bet he didn't say it.
For holidays, he'd try to find a way to fucking up the day for the rest of us. He'd get pissed off over something ...anything...and set the somber tone for the day. Christmas Eve, he'd go out drinking and be still passed out on the couch come Christmas morning. Birthdays, he'd have to work late, thinking the celebrations were going to wait on him or what he would be missed. That he was somehow going to control our happiness and dictate how our days were going to pan out. That nothing could occur without his input, his blessing, or his ridicule. That he was not only Lord and Master - but also running the show.
It took us both a long time to realize that the only thing he was running was his mouth.
